I went back a read all the post from last year and realized how much I really knew about what was going on back then and how it took me so long to fix it.
A month after my last post I broke up with my boy friend. In September I met a man on eHarmony and we hit it off. March 6th we were married =)
All that deep hate and regret from my past faded away and left me feeling like I could really control my own life. My husband is supportive and amazing. Things are going so well now, the only thing left to change is my body....the original reason I made this blog....the reasons I failed.
I blamed everything around me, Oh, I'm sick, I'm broke, I'm depressed, I'm tired. But the fact is the only thing stopping me was myself. I'm lazy, I feel ok, maybe on the first I'll start taking care of myself, then something would come up and I'd say I'm too stressed to start taking care of myself right now.
Well the fact is I love myself. I shouldn't put myself on the back burner. If I hate my stomach or my thighs I need to fix it so I can have the most complete package. Mental and physical wellness. ^_^
It begins with picking a diet.....
yeah...
shit....
After much giving and shit I have found one that suits me as well as possible. I'm sick....all the time. Nausea, headaches, dizziness. My whole body is a failure at dealing with normal daily activities. I came to find out I'm allergic to existence, everything in America. Grass, trees, animals, foods...so after sifting through diet plans, where I was allergic to half the ideas, I found Paleo. Gluten free bliss. Meat and veggies....that's pretty much is. I can eat those.
The basic idea was humans didn't eat bread, or any other processed foods in the beginning so why should we?...
My body is an all natural fortress that needs to be protected by meat and exercise!
So I guess I'm renaming the project and starting over....again...no for real this time....aw screw it, if it happens I'll buy myself something nice...a boat? Yeah, a boat! haha! Let's give it a try!
Wish me luck!
Day one....
A step by step look at my attempt to change my body and my mind. Waging war on the thing that is keeping me trapped; my addiction to wheat and it's tasty friends: oats, rye, and barely...Damn beer...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Thursday, July 21, 2011
day 11.....realizations
I'm not 100% what is going on with me lately. I've been thinking so much about the future I can't see it clearly....
Today I looked at my surroundings and saw what everyone sees, my house isn't nice, my car is trashed, I can't afford to get my dog and cat their shots or neutered, my future looks bleak at best. Right now my worst fear is that I end up stalled out in a dead end job with no future, having to work and raise my kids with a man who doesn't want anything more....
I can't let that happen. I want to give my kids the best life I can offer. I want to home school and spend all my energy making them the best adults I can. But right now I don't see that happening....and I hate it. I picture my life and it's nothing like what I have now. I feel weak, powerless and drained. I can't get ahead or let myself fall behind. I'm stuck in this loop of fighting and sadness.
I feel like I'm trying to mold my boyfriend into something he's not, and I don't want to do that to him. If he's happy I should let him be happy, I can't make him be something else to make me happy. But I don't want to make myself miserable either. I just hope that within the next month things take a direction and stop being so cryptic. I just want some form of stability. I know I'm not asking for the moon.
I just want what every girl wants. Someone to support her and cherish her and stand beside her no matter what, but the world is cruel and I haven't met a man who is like that anymore....I think it might be a Scorpio thing when it comes to me...I've only ever dated Scorpios and they seem to be my Kryptonite.... Doesn't work out usually...
This is day 11 of the rest of my life....
Today I looked at my surroundings and saw what everyone sees, my house isn't nice, my car is trashed, I can't afford to get my dog and cat their shots or neutered, my future looks bleak at best. Right now my worst fear is that I end up stalled out in a dead end job with no future, having to work and raise my kids with a man who doesn't want anything more....
I can't let that happen. I want to give my kids the best life I can offer. I want to home school and spend all my energy making them the best adults I can. But right now I don't see that happening....and I hate it. I picture my life and it's nothing like what I have now. I feel weak, powerless and drained. I can't get ahead or let myself fall behind. I'm stuck in this loop of fighting and sadness.
I feel like I'm trying to mold my boyfriend into something he's not, and I don't want to do that to him. If he's happy I should let him be happy, I can't make him be something else to make me happy. But I don't want to make myself miserable either. I just hope that within the next month things take a direction and stop being so cryptic. I just want some form of stability. I know I'm not asking for the moon.
I just want what every girl wants. Someone to support her and cherish her and stand beside her no matter what, but the world is cruel and I haven't met a man who is like that anymore....I think it might be a Scorpio thing when it comes to me...I've only ever dated Scorpios and they seem to be my Kryptonite.... Doesn't work out usually...
This is day 11 of the rest of my life....
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Day nine....Anger
Today started out normal, just dealing with the little stresses of life. But for some reason little stresses build up in me so fast that they become huge depression cycles.
If I felt useless at this moment I would know what to do, clean the kitchen or take the dog for a walk, but feeling helpless is so much harder to manage...I see all the clutter in my house and all the little damages here and there, how my cat eats drywall and how my a/c is now broken which makes it so we have to sleep in the living room....none of these things seem like a big deal until you sit down and recount all of them at once. Soon misery sets in and all that's left of you is a sniveling heap of nothingness.
I was feeling so happy with this week. Preparing for college again and looking for a job, but I don't want a job, I want to work with my boyfriend in construction and feel pride in what I do.
Money is always the issue....never enough money. Whoever said money isn't everything was clearly rich....Nothing is good enough or easy enough. So what are we supposed to do....?
I'm applying for a job tomorrow, putting my "wants" behind me and probably going to cry myself to sleep....
This is day 9 of the rest of my life.....hope something good falls out of the sky soon......
If I felt useless at this moment I would know what to do, clean the kitchen or take the dog for a walk, but feeling helpless is so much harder to manage...I see all the clutter in my house and all the little damages here and there, how my cat eats drywall and how my a/c is now broken which makes it so we have to sleep in the living room....none of these things seem like a big deal until you sit down and recount all of them at once. Soon misery sets in and all that's left of you is a sniveling heap of nothingness.
I was feeling so happy with this week. Preparing for college again and looking for a job, but I don't want a job, I want to work with my boyfriend in construction and feel pride in what I do.
Money is always the issue....never enough money. Whoever said money isn't everything was clearly rich....Nothing is good enough or easy enough. So what are we supposed to do....?
I'm applying for a job tomorrow, putting my "wants" behind me and probably going to cry myself to sleep....
This is day 9 of the rest of my life.....hope something good falls out of the sky soon......
Monday, July 11, 2011
Day two....failure
Well, this is the second day of my transformations and it seems I have only accomplished one thing today.
I woke up from another restful night's sleep and felt amazing. Ready to do anything. But as the day wore on I slowly faded. At my temporary job (cleaning for my mother) I felt the nausea and cold sweats I've been feeling for weeks....I tried as hard as I could to make it through the day, but nothing worked. After a few hours of that well known "near death" feeling, I started to feel hopeless. Like everything I was trying to do was going to fail before it even started. Why even try...
As the thought crossed my mind to end the project before people started to see me falling apart, I had a sudden realization....I always quit. I quit every project, every dream, every plan I've had. I never really stick to anything even if I'm passionate about it. I can't continue to quit. No matter how much pain I'm in or how far gone I feel, I have to finish one thing in my life.
With my new found confidence I plan on finishing the dishes....One thing done today is better than nothing. I'll feel the pride in those dishes if only for one night. At least I'll have a reason to push forward.
How far will someone go for a "feeling"? All I want is pride....is it really a sin? Well, hopefully I can find out before I end up in hell...I just need to know what the point of trying so hard is for.
Right now I'm proud of myself for making it to day 2 in my quest for pride. I just want to take this one day at a time. So far I'm already having revelations so hey, its something.
This is day two of the rest of my life/.....
7/11/2011
I woke up from another restful night's sleep and felt amazing. Ready to do anything. But as the day wore on I slowly faded. At my temporary job (cleaning for my mother) I felt the nausea and cold sweats I've been feeling for weeks....I tried as hard as I could to make it through the day, but nothing worked. After a few hours of that well known "near death" feeling, I started to feel hopeless. Like everything I was trying to do was going to fail before it even started. Why even try...
As the thought crossed my mind to end the project before people started to see me falling apart, I had a sudden realization....I always quit. I quit every project, every dream, every plan I've had. I never really stick to anything even if I'm passionate about it. I can't continue to quit. No matter how much pain I'm in or how far gone I feel, I have to finish one thing in my life.
With my new found confidence I plan on finishing the dishes....One thing done today is better than nothing. I'll feel the pride in those dishes if only for one night. At least I'll have a reason to push forward.
How far will someone go for a "feeling"? All I want is pride....is it really a sin? Well, hopefully I can find out before I end up in hell...I just need to know what the point of trying so hard is for.
Right now I'm proud of myself for making it to day 2 in my quest for pride. I just want to take this one day at a time. So far I'm already having revelations so hey, its something.
This is day two of the rest of my life/.....
7/11/2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Day one....New Beginnings
After some soul searching last night, the morning proved to be easier to enter. I woke up only to realize I had slept for 10 hours. I haven't slept through the night in weeks.
Needless to say, I was very happy.
I still have twinges in my stomach when I look at my computer and think about all the avoidable problems cell phones and the internet have caused....
When he left I had the uncontrollable urge to change something about who I am. I dyed my hair two days ago, so that wasn't an option... being broke removes the temptation for new piercings or tattoos. Not very many ideas floating around in my head. Body modification has always been my way of dealing with emotional pain. Like physical scars will heal psychological ones. I'm so antsy, all I want to do is create something to make myself feel an ounce of pride. Even if that thing receives scoffs from others.
The idea came from a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. It was so obvious. I've said it a million times, but never REALLY wanted to implement it. I can talk about changing myself for the better and taking care of myself, but it's all just words until you finally give in and work to make yourself better.
I feel that this blog will give me the push I need to keep going. When I feel myself slipping back into my old ways I can look at the computer screen and see how my thought and ideas are out there for everyone to see. I don't want to lie to the world so I have no choice but to continue on my journey.
My friend gave me the name Project IGTGST, I'm Going To Get Shit Together. I'm working on an easier way to say it, but its a great idea. Getting my life straight and documenting my quest will give me the sense of accomplishment I've been seeking for years. I just hope it works this time....
This is day one of the rest of my life....
7/10/2011
Needless to say, I was very happy.
I still have twinges in my stomach when I look at my computer and think about all the avoidable problems cell phones and the internet have caused....
When he left I had the uncontrollable urge to change something about who I am. I dyed my hair two days ago, so that wasn't an option... being broke removes the temptation for new piercings or tattoos. Not very many ideas floating around in my head. Body modification has always been my way of dealing with emotional pain. Like physical scars will heal psychological ones. I'm so antsy, all I want to do is create something to make myself feel an ounce of pride. Even if that thing receives scoffs from others.
The idea came from a conversation I had with a good friend of mine. It was so obvious. I've said it a million times, but never REALLY wanted to implement it. I can talk about changing myself for the better and taking care of myself, but it's all just words until you finally give in and work to make yourself better.
I feel that this blog will give me the push I need to keep going. When I feel myself slipping back into my old ways I can look at the computer screen and see how my thought and ideas are out there for everyone to see. I don't want to lie to the world so I have no choice but to continue on my journey.
My friend gave me the name Project IGTGST, I'm Going To Get Shit Together. I'm working on an easier way to say it, but its a great idea. Getting my life straight and documenting my quest will give me the sense of accomplishment I've been seeking for years. I just hope it works this time....
This is day one of the rest of my life....
7/10/2011
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