I'm not 100% what is going on with me lately. I've been thinking so much about the future I can't see it clearly....
Today I looked at my surroundings and saw what everyone sees, my house isn't nice, my car is trashed, I can't afford to get my dog and cat their shots or neutered, my future looks bleak at best. Right now my worst fear is that I end up stalled out in a dead end job with no future, having to work and raise my kids with a man who doesn't want anything more....
I can't let that happen. I want to give my kids the best life I can offer. I want to home school and spend all my energy making them the best adults I can. But right now I don't see that happening....and I hate it. I picture my life and it's nothing like what I have now. I feel weak, powerless and drained. I can't get ahead or let myself fall behind. I'm stuck in this loop of fighting and sadness.
I feel like I'm trying to mold my boyfriend into something he's not, and I don't want to do that to him. If he's happy I should let him be happy, I can't make him be something else to make me happy. But I don't want to make myself miserable either. I just hope that within the next month things take a direction and stop being so cryptic. I just want some form of stability. I know I'm not asking for the moon.
I just want what every girl wants. Someone to support her and cherish her and stand beside her no matter what, but the world is cruel and I haven't met a man who is like that anymore....I think it might be a Scorpio thing when it comes to me...I've only ever dated Scorpios and they seem to be my Kryptonite.... Doesn't work out usually...
This is day 11 of the rest of my life....
A step by step look at my attempt to change my body and my mind. Waging war on the thing that is keeping me trapped; my addiction to wheat and it's tasty friends: oats, rye, and barely...Damn beer...
Girl don't worry about what other people see, what they see doesn't matter. What matters is what you see. You are taking care of your pets and that says a lot more than what others are doing. As long as your pets are happy and fed and you are giving them the best you can that's awesome! Things may not be looking up right now but they will get there. It takes time and I know I'm with you I hate time and waiting. You will give your kids the best and you will be a wonderful mother when the time comes. You are right it isn't good to change someone because then they aren't really who you want but who you made. It's hard sometimes but look out for you and what makes you happy even if at the moment it may hurt others in the long run everyone will be happy because they will be where they are supposed to in life. I am so with you on that I want it too and I have to say sometimes I think it's never going to happen but we are still young and have lots of time left to live. Believe in yourself and know you can do amazing things cause I know you can!
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